a sigh of relief....

I am breathing a sigh of relief for a few different reasons lately.

Althought, at the same time, juggling quite a few stresses in my life.

My dad is still alive. He has a healthier heart, one that will hopefully give him many more years with us. Years to watch his grandkids grow, years to be my dad, years to be with my mom. He survived quadruple bypass surgery, two flatlines on the table, one more flatline three days after his surgery, an emergency pacemaker, and a stroke. See? A sigh of relief.

Eli has turned one. There are many emotions I feel regarding this. One is relief. I survived the first year of children 13.5 months apart, living with my parents, Dan being in school full-time, some post-partum depression, and my third straight year of either being pregnant, breastfeeding, or both. See? A sigh of relief.

God is good!! And faithful! He has shown that over and over again.

Even with all this relief, there is still much up in the air regarding our future. Dan is STILL job hunting. He has been since last spring. He is interviewing with three churches right now. We would love at some point to have our own place. Right now, that is not a viable option financially. My parents, like many people in their retired years, are facing financial challenges due to the state of the stock market and real estate decline. Dan has to do a semester abroad for his degree. So we're all going to Scotland next fall. Jayden will need to start preschool mid-year when we return. Where will we live till then? There? After? Is it good for my kids to have all this upheaval?

I could really work up a panic if I gave all this truly extensive thought. But most days, I remind myself that today, everyone has a roof over their heads, my kids are healthy, my dad is alive, we survived this last year, etc.

God is good! And faithful! He has proven it over and over again.

Truly, there is NOTHING too big for Him.

marriage, Jon and Kate, Jesus, etc.

I almost posted this on my other blog this past week, before watching the season premiere of Jon and Kate Plus 8.



I have been mulling over whether or not to post something about this for a few days. It has been weighing heavily on my heart.

However, I don't want to be yet another person who talks about Jon and Kate yet doesn't even know them.

Another person who pretends to know what should be done, but probably fails just as miserably in their marriage everyday. Another person who reaches up and removes a brick as their world literally crumbles around them.

I stood in Target yesterday and read the interview with Kate. And my heart broke. I was sad for hours. Cause here's the deal. Whether or not they are famous, whether or not we have watched their lives on TV, whether or not we think we know them, these are real people.

Real people with real children. Real people whose real children can't even go to the grocery store without seeing pictures of their parents plastered all over the tabloids.

Jon and Kate could be any of us. Have they had unusual things happen to them? Yes. Not many people have twins and sextuplets and then let the world watch them try to navigate their challenges daily. But they are not any different than us.

And they are Christians. Really, truly. I picked up Kate's latest book in the store the other day. Page after page, she has filled with scripture verses, and stories of her walk with God. So what is my duty as a fellow Christian? The answer to me, has become clear. Not to sit and gossip more about them, and speculate on whose at fault and what went wrong.

But to pray for them.

Just as I would for couple I know, or know of, whose marriage and world seem to be falling apart. Whatever has gone on, a marriage in crisis is devastating. And they need people not to talk about them to other people, but to intercede on their behalf.

So that's what I have vowed to do- to shut my mouth, stop reading the magazines, and take them to the feet of Jesus. For He alone knows them best, knows their hearts, and can heal whatever is broken.

I didn't post it over there because I just wasn't sure...well, I don't know what I was unsure of. But I never clicked the publish button.

My heart is so burdened for this family.

All of this is paralleling a journey that God seems to be taking me on regarding marriage. My marriage to be specific. Even more specifically, what God wants from me in my marriage.

Marriage is HARD.

I don't think this is a secret. At least among people who have been married longer than a minute. It is the hardest thing I have ever done, including parenting. Parenting kind of comes naturally. These small squirmy little people come out and you fall totally in love. It is in my very nature to pour myself into my little people, to give and give and give to them with little in return. Is it hard? Yes. But the selflessness of it has been somewhat natural.

The selflessness required in marriage has not been so natural, or so easy. I would say we did pretty well our first few years of marriage. Were there hard days? Yes. And some fights? Yes. But for the most part, we were happy. Even after Jayden was born, we stayed pretty happy.

This past year, though, WOW. We have struggled. And I have seen ugly, ugly, ugly things come out of us. Mostly me.

I have cried and prayed. I have berated myself for my selfish, sassy, hateful (yes, hateful), and even spiteful behavior towards this man I call my husband. I have resolved to be better. But, mostly, I have been angry. Angry that I clean so much. Angry that I don't sleep enough. Angry that I have to have help to take a shower. Angry that Dan gets breaks in his days and again, I have to have help to have a break. Someone has to GIVE me a break. I don't just get to take one. I've built up resentment. I have focused on my own needs, on my rights, on all the things I deserve and should have and don't get.

As my anger and resentment has grew, we have only fought more. Dan has only become less loving, less kind, and less helpful (I don't mean this in a critical way, I'm just making the point that my anger does no good for our marriage, and just alienates Dan more).

And I have continued to ignore my call to love my husband.

I picked up the book Sacred Marriage. A few people have recommended it and I figured it was time to read it.

Holy smokes. Talk about a smack in the face. In a good way, of course.

God shouted at me through the pages of just the first two chapters. I am failing miserably as a wife.

My focus has been so wrong, without my even realizing it at times.

Is my job as a mom of two very young boys super hard? Yes. Is it made more difficult by the fact that Dan works and is in school full-time? Yes.

But that doesn't matter! When my focus comes off myself, onto Jesus, and then subsequently onto Dan and HIS needs, things get so much better.

My call in marriage is to be like Jesus. To lay down my life, to love with all I have, to have grace, mercy, and kindness. To do the things I vowed to do. To do the things I set out to do when I said yes to this man who I really really really love. Who I wouldn't know what to do if I ever lost. Who I long to be wonderful to. Oh, how I long to be more loving towards him. Thank God Dan is a gracious, loving man who, for some reason, loves me just the way I am.

We have to fight for our marriage.

This all brings me back to our "friends" Jon and Kate. My heart is broken for them because I fear they are making the same mistake so many make in marriage. Selfishness. And I know that they are Christians, that they have made their relationships with God a priority in the past. Oh how I pray God will work a miracle in their broken marriage. I pray they will remember their vows. I pray that Jon will remember not to forsake the wife of his youth. I pray that Kate will make choices she needs to make to fight for their marriage.

I pray that God will speak to them the same way He has spoken to me.

grace, grace, grace part 2

So another post about grace. Except this time God's. Well I suppose considering He is the ultimate example of grace then all thoughts about grace are about Him. But, anyway, I digress.

In my bible study right now we are studying Hebrews. What a beautiful book. BEAUTIFUL. All about Jesus' act on the cross, the new covenant in His blood, how He is our great high priest. Incredible. All of the thought and reflection on Jesus' sacrifice on the cross has led me to one word. Extravagant. I mean, really think about it. God's grace in Jesus' act on the cross is extravagant. God created us, we rebelled against Him. We deserve death. We were separated from Him. He loved us SO much, so EXTRAVAGANTLY, that He sent His son to DIE. Just to restore us to Him. He is GOD. He would go on existing without us. He could destroy us with a mere thought. Instead, He bled and died to make us free, so that we could freely choose Him. So that we could spend eternity with Him. I mean, REALLY? It almost sounds too good to be true.

(Aside note: it is this extravagance that can really get me fired up about the whole predestination/Calvinism/Arminianism debate....stay tuned, I may write a post about it sometime. That is, if I decide I want to REALLY ruffle some feathers!)

How could I not just bow down and worship Him? He is holy and perfect, and wants ME. He loves me more extravagantly and passionately than I could ever comprehend. I could sit and talk all day about the beauty of Jesus, His act on the cross, the grace and mercy of the new covenant. Of his sacrifice once and for all.

To borrow a line from an old hymn, "Oh, how I love Jesus..."

grace, grace, grace

I can look back on my life and identify times in my life when God was teaching me specific things, when he was using situations to show me the same things over and over and over and over. You get the picture. Throughout college it was often, "Am I enough for you? Delight in me. Find your hope in me, not in your earthly relationships..." Whether it was through key people moving away from me, key relationships with key men changing or ending, or friendships I had relied on drastically changing or disappearing. When we lost our precious first baby, it was, "Do you believe me now? When things are hard, when things are desperate, when something terrible and horrible has happened? Will you believe me now? Will you trust in my goodness?" That one lasted a LONG time. From the moment we lost the baby till the moment...well, I can't even pinpoint the moment. But sometime before Jayden was conceived I decided to just rest and know that God is good, ALL THE TIME, no matter what.

Why do I share all of this? Cause this is another one of those times...

If I had to give this phase of my life a theme it would be: learning to have grace and what it means to be self-sacrificing. I can talk a big talk about how we live to serve others, how important it is to have grace with people, and to reflect Christ to them in this manner. I could write a whole blog entry about it and sound all holy and perfect and blah blah blah. But if you came to spend a day with me, or even worse, spent a day listening to my thoughts (scary!), a different picture would emerge. God, however, in all His amazingly faithfulness, is continually giving me opportunities to learn what it means to have grace and to live my life in a way that is sacrificial to others. I am failing miserably. Oh how I wish I learned more quickly, and with more humility. Oh how I wish my first response was Godly and righteous...but its not. My first response if selfishness and judgment of others. But I keep digging in, keep praying, "Jesus, make me more like you.." I so desperately want to be a reflection of Him.

There are opportunities everywhere to have grace and be self-sacrificing. I live with 4 other adults, two children, and 2 cats. I need look no further than the person sitting next to me at dinner to find opportunities to grow and let God change me. Whether it be biting back my sassiness to my wonderfully patient husband those around me or taking extra time to listen to someone's hard day, or offering to pitch in and help even when I'm so tired I want to die and can't imagine taking another step running out of steam. It means being okay with where people are at, and knowing that we're all works in progress (I could write an entire blog entry about this one...heck, maybe I will some day soon). It means not bad mouthing the crazy lady at Bed Bath and Beyond who insulted my pants for absolutely no reason. It means letting people go in front of me at the grocery store. Grace is giving what people don't deserve. It is surprising, and often out of the blue. Being self-sacrificing is the core of marriage, in my honest humble opinion. Putting Dan's needs in front of mine is my call as my wife. I suck at it. Completely and totally. He has this nailed in comparison to my selfish horrible nature. I have to have to have to learn to put down my selfish desires, to lay aside what I perceive as my needs, and focus first on Dan and what he needs.

Ok, enough rambling...

Make me more like you....

We are going to this awesome church since moving back to L.A. They do communion every week, which is something new to me. They also have people walk up and get it and then you can sit and take it at your leisure. So every week I sit down and just try to quiet my heart before God. I try to let the Holy Spirit lead in regards to how I pray and what I focus on mentally. For a few weeks now, the resulting cry of my heart has been, "Make me more like you, Jesus..." I say "cry of my heart" for a reason. Life seems to come at you in bursts when you're raising two little ones under two. Life is a conglomeration of moments of ecstacy, moments of exhaustion, moments of frustration, moments of laughter. You kind of just deal with things (i.e. puke on the floor, puke on you, spilled cups of milk, poopy diapers, tantrums over guitars or water or anything really...) as they come, hoping to do it well and not permanently screw things up. In between all of these moments, these bursts of reality, you hope to be a good wife, an attentive and caring daughter, a friend who doesn't come off as a total flake...and more than anything, a disciple of Christ that honors Him. And when I take these moments in church when my kids are in Sunday School, and I have a moment to reflect, the only thing I can think of to say, the only thing that seems to really matter is "Make me more like you, Jesus..." How else can I be all the things I need to be, do all the things I know I need to? I have to be like Him, rest in Him, reflect Him...to my husband, to my boys, to my parents and siblings, etc....

Make me more like you, Jesus...

compassion

I recently watched an episode of Grey's Anatomy that really struck a cord with me. Meredith, the main character, who the show is named after, treats a death row inmate at the hospital (I'm assuming here that some people on the planet actually DON'T watch Grey's Anatomy, which may or may not be true. I am also assuming that these few people would actually read these random thoughts from a tired mom. A lot of assumption....). He ends up telling her it would be nice to see "a friendly face" when he is executed. So she goes to the execution. As she comes out of the prison, she is met by Derek, her boyfriend, who also treated the death row inmate. Derek, throughout the episodes, has had disdain and contempt for the man, refusing to let him cheat the system by dying in the hospital. Meredith has formed a kind of friendship with him. She comes out and sees Derek and bursts into tears and says, "I wanted to have compassion on him. That's why I went. And it was horrible. It was horrible." As I watched the scene unfold, I had tears streaming down my face.

This is an amazing picture of grace, of compassion, of what it means to reach out to someone unlovable, unlovely, unwanted, undeserving. Grace is radical and flies in the face of the way the world works. This man was condemned to die for horrible, horrendous things he had done. And Meredith, by going, extended grace in a way we could all learn from. God has given us this same radical grace. We are, in our sin, unlovable, unlovely, unwanted, undeserving. We are a mess. And God reached down and gave us grace, and mercy. It was painful and hard and ugly as Jesus died on the cross and took our sin. We are to be like him, to live like him. Extending grace to those around us can be painful and hard, just as it was for Meredith.

A side note: I have seen every episode ever made of Grey's Anatomy, or at least ever aired, and this is the first time I have seen any sort of picture of Jesus in it. And it may be the last. I don't plan on filling this blog with reflections about TV shows that fill primetime. But this time it warranted it.