grace, grace, grace

I can look back on my life and identify times in my life when God was teaching me specific things, when he was using situations to show me the same things over and over and over and over. You get the picture. Throughout college it was often, "Am I enough for you? Delight in me. Find your hope in me, not in your earthly relationships..." Whether it was through key people moving away from me, key relationships with key men changing or ending, or friendships I had relied on drastically changing or disappearing. When we lost our precious first baby, it was, "Do you believe me now? When things are hard, when things are desperate, when something terrible and horrible has happened? Will you believe me now? Will you trust in my goodness?" That one lasted a LONG time. From the moment we lost the baby till the moment...well, I can't even pinpoint the moment. But sometime before Jayden was conceived I decided to just rest and know that God is good, ALL THE TIME, no matter what.

Why do I share all of this? Cause this is another one of those times...

If I had to give this phase of my life a theme it would be: learning to have grace and what it means to be self-sacrificing. I can talk a big talk about how we live to serve others, how important it is to have grace with people, and to reflect Christ to them in this manner. I could write a whole blog entry about it and sound all holy and perfect and blah blah blah. But if you came to spend a day with me, or even worse, spent a day listening to my thoughts (scary!), a different picture would emerge. God, however, in all His amazingly faithfulness, is continually giving me opportunities to learn what it means to have grace and to live my life in a way that is sacrificial to others. I am failing miserably. Oh how I wish I learned more quickly, and with more humility. Oh how I wish my first response was Godly and righteous...but its not. My first response if selfishness and judgment of others. But I keep digging in, keep praying, "Jesus, make me more like you.." I so desperately want to be a reflection of Him.

There are opportunities everywhere to have grace and be self-sacrificing. I live with 4 other adults, two children, and 2 cats. I need look no further than the person sitting next to me at dinner to find opportunities to grow and let God change me. Whether it be biting back my sassiness to my wonderfully patient husband those around me or taking extra time to listen to someone's hard day, or offering to pitch in and help even when I'm so tired I want to die and can't imagine taking another step running out of steam. It means being okay with where people are at, and knowing that we're all works in progress (I could write an entire blog entry about this one...heck, maybe I will some day soon). It means not bad mouthing the crazy lady at Bed Bath and Beyond who insulted my pants for absolutely no reason. It means letting people go in front of me at the grocery store. Grace is giving what people don't deserve. It is surprising, and often out of the blue. Being self-sacrificing is the core of marriage, in my honest humble opinion. Putting Dan's needs in front of mine is my call as my wife. I suck at it. Completely and totally. He has this nailed in comparison to my selfish horrible nature. I have to have to have to learn to put down my selfish desires, to lay aside what I perceive as my needs, and focus first on Dan and what he needs.

Ok, enough rambling...